


Interview with a Soldier

by emrys (livingshitpost)



Series: soft wwii boyfriends [12]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Feels Guilty, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes-centric, Dialogue Heavy, Documentaries, Documentation, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Established Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Established Relationship, Feelings, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Guilt, Interviews, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mild Language, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Some Humor, Talking, Trauma, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, i sure do write a lot of bucky bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-07 17:13:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16412549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livingshitpost/pseuds/emrys
Summary: James Buchanan Barnes provides an interview for an upcoming documentary on Captain America.





	Interview with a Soldier

"Good afternoon, James," the interviewer said. "Thank you for being here with me again today."

"Of course, yeah. I think I'm getting used to actually being interviewed instead of interrogated," he laughed.

"Yeah, it's quite different, huh?" He shuffled through the notebook off to his side. "So, last time we spoke, it was more about what happened during your time as the Winter Soldier."

"Yeah, that was tough stuff."

"I'll bet. But today I wanted to talk about something more recent, that being you breaking free from Hydra's control. Would you mind talking about that?"

"Uh, sure. Yeah." He shifts in his chair. "Uh, it started out with Steve, actually. I, uh." He scratched the back of his head idly. "Hydra actually tried to wipe my memory after the first time I saw him, 'cause even though I didn't know who he was, I still kinda recognized him. So that part's a little blurry for me. But I remember almost everything that happened after that, so."

"And, what- what  _did_ happen? What would that be?"

"Well, I'm sure you know that Steve, along with Natasha Romanoff and Sam Wilson, leaked a ton of files revealing that Shield had been taken over by Hydra. But, uh, just as Nat- uh, Natasha was letting those out into the public, I was actually fighting with Steve on one of the helicarriers."

"And at this point, you-"

"I was still under the influence of Hydra, yes."

"Okay. Just making sure."

"Of course, yeah."

"So this wasn't just like, an argument."

"No, no. We were like- well, I was beating the shit out of him."

"That sounds pretty intense."

"Yeah. It, uh. It was. It was pretty intense." He licked his lips. "It's still kinda, uh, kinda difficult to think about. Not because of the memory problems, but because of what I _did_." He sighed. "I sometimes still have nightmares about, like, what if I went too far? What if he couldn't get through to me? What if I killed him? And, uh, that's really- that's really difficult to deal with." He sniffled. "Because, y'know, that's- that's my husband." He shrugged. "And I almost killed him, so, that's a lot."

There was a brief moment of silence.

"Steve tries to tell me that it wasn't me doing it; that it's not really my fault, but . . . it kinda was. It wasn't- it wasn't  _Bucky_ , but it was still  _me_ , if that makes sense. The Winter Soldier- it's like a part of me. Because I didn't remember who I was. I didn't remember anything. But it was always still me behind the trigger. I mean, the reason I was so good at what I did was because I was a good soldier before Hydra ever got their hands on me. I'd already killed people, I was already loyal. But they took my past away from me and all of a sudden I had no idea who to be loyal to, or what was worth killing for. Bucky Barnes wouldn't've killed those people, but the Winter Soldier? He was ready and willing, because he was convinced that he was doing the right thing. And I'm  _both_ of them. And Steve's still trying to come to terms with that, and I'm still working through the guilt that comes with it, and it's just . . ." He sighed again. "It's a process."

"Of course; working through trauma always is, and it takes years."

"Yeah." He ran his fingers through his hair. "And then, uh, just  _days_ later, add just starting to deal with that to the fact that I was slowly recovering memories of what had happened before; my childhood, my parents, my siblings, being one of the Howling Commandos. And I was writing them all down in notebooks that I carried everywhere with me because I was afraid I'd forget again."

"And during that time, you weren't active?"

"No, I was on the run. I was honestly just trying to survive. Nobody knew where I was, and that was how I wanted it. So I could make sure I didn't hurt anyone else."

". . . You're crying."

"I am?" He wiped at his eye and glanced at the tears left behind on his hand. "Oh."

"I think we should take a break for a moment, is that alright?"

"Y-yeah. Yeah, that's fine." He scratched at his jaw as he stood and the red lights on the cameras switched off. "I'm, uh- yeah."

"Take your time."

"Thanks."

He walked over to the edge of the set and sat down in the black canvas chair with his last name printed on the back. Steve, sitting next to him, took his hand and rubbed his knuckles with the pad of his thumb.

"You did great, Buck," he said softly. 

Bucky hummed in response, leaning his head to rest on Steve's shoulder. He smiled when Steve kissed the top of his head.

"How're you holding up?"

"'M alright. Just didn't expect this to be so emotionally taxing."

"You called me your husband."

"I guess our secret's out, then." He smiled and looked up to kiss Steve on the lips. "Whoops."

"Jerk; you said I could do the reveal."

"You're Captain fucking America, let me have this."

"And  _you_ are fucking Captain America."

Bucky snickered. "Nice."

"Not as nice as your ass."

He snorted at that. "You punk."

"You love me."

"Yeah, and you love me."

"You know I do."

**Author's Note:**

> listen. I'm Gay. and stupid. let me live


End file.
